Monday, October 22, 2012

Failing as a wife and mother, and Bullying

****Warning. This post does contain some language inappropriate for some viewers. I am quoting what was said to me and have left it as such. This language is NOT normal to my blog. ****

Massive fail as wife and mother tonight. Had big blow up(me) with Ruth about school. Then proceeded to tell yell at Jason that I am sick of hearing, "This is not working!" about homeschool. Sigh. I know it isn't. I just don't need him saying it every day.

Lately, this is all starting to make me think I am loosing my mind.

We need to work on making it work til next year. His solution - sent them back to their public school. (We just cannot afford private school right now.)

I will send Abbe back but NEVER Ruth. She was bullied. Called names, made fun of, pushed around, etc., etc., every period of every day. And with her ADHD and anxiety and lack of maturity. No Way.

I was bullied in High School. I had a big ephinany about it tonight too. I think that has a lot to do with my own self doubt even after all these years. And that self doubt is why I have not started my purse business. I know that sounds crazy but in the back of my head I hear "Why start? You will just fail. No one really likes them. No one really likes you."

I heard these words from a group of girls every day for at least two years of High School. I never really told ANYONE any details about this, except my mother, until this last year. I guess a part of me thought everyone would believe them, side with them, and then I really would have no one.
This group of girls were friends with all my High School friends. One (the main one) even went on to marry my High School best friend's brother. She, the main bully, and her 'entourage' were very sneaky. They would never say or do anything whenever any of my friends were around. They sat every morning in the corner by my locker and waited on me to go to my locker. "Bitch" "Ugly Whore" "Look at what she's wearing!" Laughter. "Loser Bitch" and on and on...
I quit going to my locker before my first class.

In the hall, when I was without my friends, I would get slammed into the walls and lockers. "Bitch" Every day, every moment they could.

They would start rumors. My grades were only good because my mom was on the school board. Not because I did my work or studied. I was field commander for the band mom was on the school board. Not because I worked hard, went to camp for field commanders, and practiced. On and on.....

Anything I achieved was because of my mother, not anything I did. National Honor Society, solos in girls ensemble, lead in school play....because my mom was on the school board. I wasn't a cheerleader. Didn't play sports. I could never do those. Sucked at those. I worked for what I liked. What I knew I could do. But by the end of my senior year. I quit.

Ready to L   E   A   V   E.
High School Sucked.

But little did I understand how much they, mostly she, had undermined that ability of mine. To find what I was good at and work hard at achieving it.

I floundered in college. To say the least.
Went to three different colleges with three different majors in three years before settling in at the third (The Ohio State University) with the mindset, "I am leaving here with a something." My mom helped me find the one that I do really like and has helped me in many other ways. (Longest major title ever: Environmental Communications, Education and Interpretation)

Yet, if I had been more me and less self doubting, I probably would have majored in Drama, or Textiles, or Design, or Costuming, or 18th Century something. But I kept hearing her say "Loser Bitch" in my head.

Sooooooo, long story short.
Am I ever going to put Ruth in that situation? No. Absolutely not.

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